On the side of the highway stands a man next to a car with a flat tire. Gusts of wind berate him as others zip by, hurriedly rushing to their next appointment. He hears a ding-ding from the phone in his pocket, yet he stares at the flat tire. Wind and dust billow his hair; a whirlwind of action and movement all around him. He leans against the car, tears welling in his eyes and the anger washes over him.
I open my eyes and wish my problem had such an easy answer. For the better part of three years I have multitasked like an animal, I had a lot going on and I thrived having such a unique work situation. I held multiple jobs; I was running Sunblock Materials, the marketing for Gryphon Roofing, doing freelance webdesign, and renting out a teardrop trailer. All of this was on top of my personal life filled with quality time with my wife, enthusiastic video game playing online, and charitable service at church. My life was full, in-so-much I had a hard time sitting still when the occasion called for it.
Jump to December 2013, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Tatum Faye Bryce. This girl can make anyone smile; the way her face lights up when she smiles is magic. (Also, her laugh is great.) I was in for a rude awakening into what parenthood really meant, my world was about to be flipped on its head. The first couple of months went ok; all of my different jobs knew I was a new dad and gave me space. As soon as the baby started sleeping well and home life started to get settled into a comfortable pattern; work came-a-knocking.
The last 6 months I have slowly began to slide, each job demanded a bit more, church service didn’t feel so charitable, gaming became less fun, and the baby needed love. My home was the constant in my life, no matter how stressed I became at work or with church, I knew I could turn to my wife for love and support. I could pick up my daughter and toss her in the air as she giggled and smiled.
The last month has been particularly trying for me. I have had mental breakdowns more and more often. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. I can’t keep up with work anymore; I have long overdue projects, my focus is garbage, and I am so overwhelmed that my procrastination is at an all time high. Hell, even writing this is just one more way I am putting off actual work.
As I receive more and more calls/reminders/messages of my responsibilities I become even worse at getting them accomplished. As people reach out to me, I just want to withdraw and push them out. I am more than happy to receive help from those I have invited in, however I just want to be left alone from those who didn’t get an invitation to the party in my head. I want to do nothing and let the time pass by, I long for relief from my to-do list, but struggle to actually get it done. I am feeling what I can only assume is clinical depression.
How the hell do I deal with that? Returning to the narrative at the beginning of this entry; got a flat tire? Put on a spare and get the original replaced. That problem has a simple solution. How does one “fix” depression? I have done some reading and just about every source has a list of things you can do. But it comes down to what I am willing to do.
What am I willing to do then? For one: create. I have set out to write and draw stories on this blog; some from my life, and some from my thoughts. That is the purpose of this; to create something fun, exciting, and emotional. I hate the sudden feelings of being scared, sad and annoyed. I need to break this depression.
Update: It has been about a week since I wrote this article. I have been hesitant to publish it, since it publicly admits to my problem. I am already getting better though, after much, much deliberation and decision making I am going to resign from Sunblock Materials. Yep, I am quitting my day job. Taryn and I both feel like I need to pursue growing Blue Mammoth Design and work from home. I will continue to do marketing for Gryphon Roofing, but will be staying home the majority of the time. There is not a definitive day as of yet when this will happen; though, knowing there is an end has already lifted some weight off my shoulders and I am happier.
All that being said, thanks for referring me to your friends, families, and colleagues when they have a need for a website. Thanks to those who love and support me in what I do. Thanks for being in my life.
Update – 7:10 PM: Thanks everyone that has sent me messages and love. Remember to always have fun!